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Mothers Critique the Truth of Motherhood
By JENNIFER ERICKSON
 | | Staff photo by Faye Chapman Writer and filmmaker Christine Fugate, left, compiled a book of essays and poems on motherhood submitted by fellow sojourners, among them two Laguna moms - writer Cynthia Jenkins, center, and artist Laurel Meister. |
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Writer and filmmaker Christine Fugate discovered early into her mothering career the myth of the perfect mother. Like so many others, she had imagined herself as morphing into "supermom" only to discover that, despite having given birth to two daughters, she had remained, inexorably, human.
Fugate's recently published book, "The Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood, Vol. 1: What we wish we knew before we became short order cook, shuttle driver, laundress MOTHER," is part of her effort to share this knowledge with other mothers and mothers-to-be. It is a collection of essays and poems selected from submissions to the second mother's day essay contest held online by Fugate at her website www.motheringheights.net. She is the author of the Independent's bi-weekly newspaper column "Mothering Heights."
Entrants were to address the question, "What do you know now that you wish you knew before becoming a parent?" In the end, 29 essays and four poems were chosen for the book from over 100 entries submitted from 30 U.S. states, as well as from Israel, Germany, and Australia.
After a crash, self-taught course in publishing, Fugate founded Mothering Heights Press. "Manual for Motherhood," imaginatively illustrated by Laguna designer and mother Jan Schrieber, is its first publication. Fugate hopes to publish others.
It was in talking to friends, mostly other mothers, about her daily struggles and what she perceived to be her failings as a mother that Fugate discovered that she was not the only mother who hadn't realized what she was in for, or who was afraid to admit that she couldn't do it all and still remain sane. And it occurred to her that one of the best ways to get over the hurdles of mothering was to admit that they existed and to share the knowledge with other mothers.
Fugate said she initially "found motherhood to be very isolating," and writing "Dirty Little Secrets," the first "Mothering Heights" column she submitted to the Indy, was a way of connecting with other moms and reducing that sense of isolation.
One of her dirty little secrets was an obsession with plastic storage containers as a means to making order, or the illusion of order, out of chaos. When other moms revealed their own "secrets," it occurred to her that they shouldn't have to be "dirty" or "secret." In that column she wrote "I do think that we need to cut ourselves a break and accept our dirty little secrets for what they are - coping mechanisms."
Fugate admits that she has always been "interested in bringing women's voices to the forefront," and some of her documentary films, such as "The Girl Next Door" and "Mother Love" - are evidence of that. She is currently at work on "Earthly Ties," a short filmexploring poetry, motherhood and creativity.
The reluctance of many moms to honestly relate the unvarnished truths about the pitfalls of motherhood concerns Fugate. She says many of the essays submitted to her online contest began sharply but ended sweetly "as if concluding on a dark note was against the mommy rules." Fugate admits to struggling with this in her own writing. "This will begin to change as we give ourselves permission to critique motherhood in our writing and conversations," she said.
The essays chosen for "Manual for Motherhood" reveal moms as people with strengths and weaknesses, foibles and flaws. They also reveal that the ideal of motherhood comes as more of a struggle for some, less for others.
Laguna resident and columnist for Parenting OC, Cynthia Jenkins points out in her essay, "Fertilizer," an identity struggle to reshape her persona closer to that of her own mother or the ideal of the perfect mother - she discovered that being herself worked best. "The greatest gift we can give our kids is the tool to love them selves," she said. "But as we become mothers, we try and 'redefine'our own selves. In vain, of course, because we're still us no matter how many 'mom' hats we try on."
Issues addressed in the book's entries include sibling rivalry, "parent-centered" child rearing, an adopted child's search for their birth mother, coping with autism and Down syndrome, stay-at-home dads, and custody battles.
An essay by Laguna resident Laurel Meister, "Damaged but not Destroyed," deals with the inner strength she found as her family's outer world crumbled, literally, when their house was destroyed in a landslide. "People would ask me how I was doing, how I could be smiling and laughing...the only way to explain it was that, first I had no choice," explained Meister. As she remarks in her essay, "…power can be found within ourselves, strength can be drawn from those around us, and determination can come from those little smiling faces full of faith."
On the flipside, are moms who improbably finda solution behind a locked door. In her essay, "For Want of a Key," Leesa Gehman, a writer from Pennsylvania, describes the despairing single parent who tries to get by on her own. When her toddler inadvertently locks himself in his bedroom, and she spends an unsuccessful panicstricken hour trying to get him out, Gehman finally breaks down and calls her father. When he does, indeed, save the day and frazzled toddler and mom are reunited, she gets it. "Sometimes it takes a tear-stained, poopsmelling 20-month-old to show you that leaning on your family isn't necessarily weakness. It's just another part of mothering."
Another mom finds everyday mothering to be almost more than she can handle and admits she sometimes lets her toddler have public tantrums, embarrassing as they may be. "I need to choose my fights carefully, because my inner strength is in such short supply," explained Karina Schmidt, who lives in Germany, in her essay, adding, "I wonder if it's enough to see me through his teens and beyond."
Where all of the mothers seem to agree is that fellowship with other moms is a balm like no other. "I can't imagine not having mommy-friends," said Meister. "Raising good little people is a hard, often thankless job. I don't know any corporations successfully run by a staff of one. It takes support, camaraderie, and friendship to succeed."
Jenkins agreed. "We, as humans, need the sense of touch to flourish. So I hope this book touches moms in a way that no one but another mom can."
"Manual for Motherhood" is available at Laguna Beach Books, located at 1200 S. Coast Highway, in the Old Pottery Place. It is also available online at www.motheringheights.net and will be available at Amazon. com beginning June 15.
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